'Twas the night before Christmas, and the house was all neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was on heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I then lost my boner and momma went dry

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down our poor chimney Santa came with a crash

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair's of panties, the edible kind
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention

A garter, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em right here, and then I'll just split

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is that it never wear's out!"